God is My Hitman.

by sawamix

(Tip o’ the tinfoil hat to Mr. Sully at The Atlantic.)


In Boston back before the Braves went to Milwaukee, there was a saying: Spahn and Sain- Pray for rain. But James Dobson’s Focus on the Family isn’t resurrecting the rain dance for Boston’s former aces Warren Spahn and Johnny Sain. They’re literally praying for rain during the weekend at the Democratic convention in Denver late this month.

Yes, it’s true. The GOP’s long arm of Christ has gotten so desperate that they’re asking their flock to bother God for “rain of Biblical proportions” (which still doesn’t somehow explain how this bozo can ask for rain that doesn’t flood people out of their homes. After the last Biblical flood, everybody on earth had terminal basement damage.).

It wasn’t too long ago when Pat Robertson prayed that a hurricane headed for his Virginia headquarters be diverted to, say, a place rife with teh gays. Even more recently, Robertson said that Hurricane Katrina was God’s way of saying “Thou Shalt Not Hireth Ellen Degeneres to Hosteth Yon Emmy Awards” to New Orleans (I guess His holy triptych didn’t have lavender-colored indicators telling him about San Francisco, Provincetown, and Fire Island.). Then again, Robertson almost outdid himself mere weeks later when he warned Pennsylvania residents to not go crying to God when disaster strikes because it’ll be God who’ll do the striking because evil science-lovin’ lib’rals chose to vote off the Board of Education the eight God-fearers who espoused Creationism.

So there you have it: God is my Hitman. And He will kill you if you’re near the Democratic convention.

When called on this, the FOTF said the video was intended to be “mildly humorous.” Like John McCain’s attack ads on Barack Obama were intended to be humorous. Like every lame Republican attempt at humor with mortal, even murderous subtexts are just “jokes.”

Sure it was. Very, very mildly humorous. So mild, in fact, that the video’s been jerked off the FOTF’s website but not before it went viral when, of all people, other Focus on the Family members objected to God’s name being invoked by Christopaths who seem to think that He’s their personal hitman.

“We’re sorry, delegates. The Democratic nomination for the presidency of the United States has been called on account of rain, so McCain wins. Sorry to bring ya’ll out here.”

That’s what these peckerheads envision. Seriously. I can smell the flopsweat all the way up here in Massachusetts. And my sense of smell sucks.

So, since rain’s out, what other desperate plans does Focus on the Family have to derail Obama’s chance of getting the nomination?

Well, there’s this old standby:

Floodwaters would come in handy, hint hint.

Then there’s this mildly humorous way of wasting the Almighty’s time:

Hell, we’d even settle for a little more Mad Cow disease.

Then there’s this trick that’s always popular at birthday parties and exoduses:

But then again, praying for locusts is kind of redundant, anyway, since the Republicans will be flocking to Minnesota next month.